Self (-ish)(-less) ness

Ugh.  I think the most challanging thing about being a parent is trying to let go of myself.  In my mind I was prepared for this.  I accepted that I wouldn't have the same freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want.  I knew that I would be giving up precious hours of sleep and that my life would be forever changed.  I was caught off guard, however, by the realization that I am selfish in SO many ways, and that those ways affect the way I interact with others.  For instance : I want to take a shower.  Before Nathaniel arrived, this would not have registered as a selfish act, and maybe in and of itself it's not.  But, when I want to take a shower today, and Nathaniel is fussy, won't sleep, needs to eat, etc. and I can't take my shower, I find that I become agitated and frustrated.  That is selfish.  I realized the other day as I left the house with a screaming baby wrapped in the moby as a last resort effort to put him to sleep, that I was almost angry at the baby.  I was wracked with guilt.  'What kind of a mother is angry at her 2 month old baby??  He can't help it!  He's not doing it on purpose!  Why am I so angry?' and then it dawned on me.  I'm angry because I haven't let go of me yet. I wanted to read, I wanted to do my hair, I wanted to blog, I wanted to check my email, I  wanted to go to the store...I, I, I, I, I!  When I realized this, and let go of my own plans for the day, patience came flooding back.  I changed my plans for the day to revolve around Nathaniel and taking care of his needs and what he wanted and I felt much better.  But, alas.  That was just one day.  I try and try to remind myself to be selfless every time Nathaniel starts to get fussy ...  and it works in the moment.  Then I start to allow my own wants and desires to creep back in and I am back to where I started.  In order to be the best mother and parent I can be, I am really trying hard to let go of myself, but it is a daily struggle.  Every time I think I might be getting a handle on it, a new challenge arises.  I start to make plans around Nathaniel's schedule, but then his schedule changes, my plans fall through, and BAM.  I'm right back to where I started.  Frustrated and annoyed.   I never realized before just how selfish I am.  It's definitely a work in progress, but I am hoping that as time goes by, between Glenn and Nathaniel I will start to turn my selfishness into selflessness.   Thank God for the opportunity to work on myself and for putting the people in my life that help me to be better and want to be better.  After all, I have an amazing little boy and a wonderful husband who deserve the very best of me, and I hope that I can continually become a better mother and wife for them.