I know I haven't written in a while.  I'm sorry.  It's not that I haven't wanted to or that I forgot, or that I didn't have time.  It's because whenever I do have time, there are a million other things that need to get done too, and blogging has gotten supressed and pushed down on the list more than once or twice.  My darling, sweet, loving little boy is also VERY demanding.  Have I mentioned that before? He has been in a "only mommy" phase for the last month.  Whenever I would hand him over to dad, OH, the screaming and wailing... for as long as dad had him, whether it was one minute or half an hour.  As much as I would have loved to leave him cry, I just couldn't do that to dad.  SO, my hands have been full, literally!

Just when I thought we were starting to be more content at home, and sitting on his own and playing, this week we have completely relapsed into needing a walk every day and walking and walking and walking to fall asleep.  I am physically exhausted.  We have also been trying to transition the little guy into his crib.  He has taken a few naps in the crib, but at night it's no working.  He wakes up every 45 min - 1hr. and wants to nurse, or needs to be walked and coddled and bounced back to sleep, and I just can't be getting up and out of bed all that time. 

I know I have mentioned to some of you that I am pretty sure I have a "high needs" child.  (As defined here by Dr. Sears: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby.  Read it if you have time.  It may explain why I am carrying him around all the time, why he won't sleep in a crib, why he eats all the time, why he's squirmy and fussy... That's pretty much been the last 6 months.   Some days are better than others, and he really is very good most of the time when he is being held and walked around but MANOHMAN. I'm tired.  I don't mean to complain... I think I just needed to vent.  I just thought by 6 months, the fussy would have toned down a bit, and he would be better able to amuse himself when he could sit up and play on his own.  Sure, he's much better than he was, but he still wants mom/dad very near by. Heaven forbid we leave the room...<sigh>

On the up side, Naffer-noodle boy is growing, gaining weight, sitting up on his own and laughing like crazy when daddy plays with him.  He is getting so interactive and his curiosity (which he has always had) is awesome to watch.  He loves nature.  He likes the wind and the leaves moving in the breeze.  He loves people and likes different laughs and voices and is quick with a smile and a coo for any admiring passerby.  He is SUPER strong.  Kicking and rolling and sitting and ohsoveryclose to crawling.  When we do go on walks, nearly everyone we pass smiles as soon as they see him.  It's so nice to look at smiling people.  They are few and far between sans baby.  His hair is also filling in quite nicely.  I can't tell if it's blond or strawberry blond... sometimes it loo ks very red and others not so much.   He is a sweetie boy. He loves cuddles and hugs and kisses, when something is not distracting him that is.  I am still glad we have him...even when I don't sleep :)

A Milestone Month

May has flown by and here we are, nearly mid-June and FINALLY we have our 4 month photo shoot!  (Pictures below!) Auntie Megan was gracious enough to spend the month here as a live-in nanny to Nathaniel while mommy went back to work.

 While going back to work was difficult (and still is), it was a relief to have our little one in the care of such and awesome sister.  While she was here, Meggy caught some awesome milestone moments on camera.  Nathaniel started giggling this month!  Not just smiling, and a little coo, but all out laughing :)

 

 

What a joy it is to here a baby laughing.
 He also rolled over from his tummy to his back, and is currently working hard and rolling from his back to his tummy.

 He has been exercising his legs by practicing standing in mommy's arms, pushing, kicking and he has even discovered his toes and grabs at them whenever he is laying on his back!  I can't believe the difference a month makes.   He has even grown...a little bit.  He has gained weight, weighing in at his 4 month checkup at 11lbs 6 oz.  BUT, he has dropped from the 10th percentile to the 5th percentile.  Doc's not worried and neither are we.  We just happen to have one of the cutest, toughest, smallest little peanut's in the world! (No, I'm not biased :) ) 

Auntie Megan said goodbye on the 3rd of June to embark on the next phase of her life's journey.  She moved to Florida!!  It was so wonderful to have you here Megan.  Thank you for so generously sharing your time with us, and we wish you all the best in Florida and with what's to come next!  We miss you bunches and hope you'll come visit soon!

Auntie Kelley arrived a few days before Megan left, and while she was here we were able to escape and go wedding dress shopping with Kelley!  It was amazing to be out with just the ladies for some much needed girl time.  Our first stop was Glamour Closet in downtown chicago.  There we were able to go through and put cute pink clothespins on the hangers of dresses for Kelley to try on. The staff were very friendly and overall we found one of Kelley's favorite dresses there.  After and hour we moved on to Cynthia's consignment and discovered they no longer consingn dresses...bummer.  SO, we took a quick lunch break at Qdoba, and headed off to Weddings 826.  Let me just say, If you are ever looking for a wedding dress in Chicago, make this a stop. They have the cutest little shop with gorgeous dresses and accessories, and they offered us coffee, tea or champaigne!  They even had hersheys kisses on the table where we were waiting as Kelley was fitted into each of her gowns.  They mad it pretty fun, and they had an awesome selection of gowns.  Each dress she tried on seemed even more beautiful then the next!  We found several beautiful dresses...too many to pick just one!  We didn't end up making a purchase this time around, but I am sure Auntie Kelley has loads of ideas for what she may want moving forward.  All in all it was a great day with some much needed sister time!  If only mom and Taryn could have been there!   

Kelley stayed on for a week and also graciously gave of her time to babysit Nathaniel.   He is so lucky to have such an amazing family to care for him.













We also recieved  a short but sweet visit from Auntie Julie this month.  During her vacation she wanted to come and spend some time with Nathaniel (and us too of course!).  Nathaniel was so taken with her dark hair and smile.  She even got him to give her lots of giggles! Regretably we neglected to take pictures of her visit :(  We will have to make a point to do so next time.

Up next in line tomorrow and Friday is Auntie Jeneen, and then Grandma Yantes comes for 10 days!!!  We are so very excited to see her!

Here are the 4 month photos as promised:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Growing Family

Two  weeks ago my sister and her boyfriend came to visit Chicago and meet Nathaniel for the first time.  Although it was too short a visit, introductions were made, Chicago was seen and much fun was had by all.  The day they arrived we took a trip to Gene and Jude's hot dogs for lunch.  It is a Chicago institution and they are the only place to go for hot dogs in our opinion.
Lucky for us we went when we did, because a week later, due to severe flooding in the area, they are temporarily "under water".



 

This is what it looked like when we went...



 

...and this is what it looked like last week



After Gene and Jude's we came home and put down our bags, then headed out for a lovely, though rainy walk to one of our favorite coffee shops, Metropolis for some coffee and a lesson in single brew cups from the very knowledgeable barista.  Following our coffee stop we walked down through Loyola's campus, stopped to admire Modonna della Strata, and continued north along the lakefront for as long as we could stand the wind and rain, then headed home.  The remainder of the evening was spent chatting and enjoying takeout  BBQ from RUB where the highlight is probably the brisket, which was mistakenly left out of the order the first time around but was worth the wait when it finally did arrive.

Saturday was spent enjoying downtown Chicago.  We started off with a short walk to Chimney Cake Island where the chimney cakes are INCREDIBLE, and the service is wonderful, and enjoyed a uniquely Transylvanian cultural experience. That was immediately followed by riding the El, which as any visitor from small town America will tell you is definitely a must, as it has a way of contributing to the "big city" experience. Being as our guests had arrived from Boston, however, I'm not sure it was as thrilling for them.  But we did see Wrigley Field as we passed by on game day...a bonus sighting as the Cubs game did not make it into our agenda for the day.  We enjoyed pricey beverages with an incredible view from the 96th floor of the Hancock building, stopped in at St. Patricks Cathedral, and walked a decent chunk of the Magnificent Mile down to Millennium Park for a look at "The Cloud Gate" a.k.a "the bean", followed by a look around the Chicago Cultural Center where we admired beautiful stained glass, beautiful mosaic tile work, and an art exhibit all for FREE!!  After all of that walking, we were eager to get home and enjoy a meal.  For dinner we chose to go with our favorite Chicago style pizza at Pequods , and I think I can safely say, it was enjoyed by all!



The boys on top of the world! (96th floor of the Hancock building)
 

On Sunday, we woke up and went to Mass, we took a short drive up to Wilmette's antique store, stopping briefly for a cup of single brew at Metropolis, (which I must say was much smoother and clearer than your average cup of joe) and followed up antique store shopping with brunch and the best bloody Mary's I've had in a long time.   Then it was time to say goodbye to the lovely couple and we dropped them off at the airport with hugs and promises of future visits to Boston and back to Chicago.  It was a whirlwind trip, but we are so glad they could come.  

Two weeks later I received a call from my sister saying that they are engaged!!!!  Supposedly he had the ring with him in Chicago!!! HE COULD HAVE PROPOSED HERE!!!  We couldn't be more thrilled for them and we are so happy to welcome Tim to the family.  He is a wonderful man, and they are very happy together.  May God bless you on your journey together. We look forward to seeing much more of you :)

Congratulations!

The happy couple with little Nathaniel!
 

 

We had a great time with you and miss you already.  Thank you so much for visiting.  I am certain Nathaniel was so happy to meet his Auntie and soon to be Uncle!

One Year Ago

One year ago my husband and I were blessed with the conception of our little Nathaniel.  When we found out we were pregnant we were overjoyed, excited, in shock, and terrified all at once.  We kept telling ourselves that everything was going to be different and that our lives were going to change forever and we did our best to try and prepare ourselves.  After taking several classes, reading books, talking to other parents and future parents and researching to the best of our ability, we reached a point where we could do nothing else but wait.  Nine long months flew by and our Nathaniel arrived.. tiny, alert, and absolutely beautiful.  What a blessing he has been to us.  He is already helping me to see my strengths and at the same time I am discovering I cannot hide my flaws.  He brings out the best and worst of me, and I hope that I have the strength and courage to change the worst to be the best I can be for him.
Nathaniel is now 3 months old already.  He has started to settle into a routine, and I am just starting to understand most of his moods.  He still throws in a few "for-no-apparent-reason" screaming fits every now and then, but for the most part we are starting to get used to each other.  He falls asleep in crowded rooms and starts to frown and whimper when too many people gather around to oogle over him at once.  He likes to be sung to, is cooing up a storm and having awesome conversations with mom and dad using sounds and facial expressions, and smiles often.  He loves having his diaper changed and is as calm as can be on the changing table, but doesn't love having his clothes changed.  He is mostly mellow, but when he is tired he wants to be cuddled and carried and sung to while squirming and flailing and banging his head around trying to get comfortable for sometimes 20 minutes or more all the while screaming because he is just... so......t..i....r...e...d.  He also loves wake-up time in the morning when he gets to snuggle in bed with mom and dad and coo and smile and talk.   He doesn't love or hate his car seat.  It depends on the day.  He also is not sure how he feels about the stroller... ok for a little while maybe, and then " I can't stand this anymore, get me the heck outta here!"  Hopefully when the weather is nice and warm and he has a chance to get used to it, he will like it.  But he does LOVE being in the moby, and long walks in said moby. He also likes his new play mat from our friend Christine, and likes hearing new sounds.  He is as sweet as can be and has been a blessing to us every day.

Here are some pictures of our little guy getting bigger by the day:

We are anxiously waiting to see what his laugh will be like.  Supposedly he will start to laugh out loud toward the end of this month. We'll keep you posted!

Self (-ish)(-less) ness

Ugh.  I think the most challanging thing about being a parent is trying to let go of myself.  In my mind I was prepared for this.  I accepted that I wouldn't have the same freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want.  I knew that I would be giving up precious hours of sleep and that my life would be forever changed.  I was caught off guard, however, by the realization that I am selfish in SO many ways, and that those ways affect the way I interact with others.  For instance : I want to take a shower.  Before Nathaniel arrived, this would not have registered as a selfish act, and maybe in and of itself it's not.  But, when I want to take a shower today, and Nathaniel is fussy, won't sleep, needs to eat, etc. and I can't take my shower, I find that I become agitated and frustrated.  That is selfish.  I realized the other day as I left the house with a screaming baby wrapped in the moby as a last resort effort to put him to sleep, that I was almost angry at the baby.  I was wracked with guilt.  'What kind of a mother is angry at her 2 month old baby??  He can't help it!  He's not doing it on purpose!  Why am I so angry?' and then it dawned on me.  I'm angry because I haven't let go of me yet. I wanted to read, I wanted to do my hair, I wanted to blog, I wanted to check my email, I  wanted to go to the store...I, I, I, I, I!  When I realized this, and let go of my own plans for the day, patience came flooding back.  I changed my plans for the day to revolve around Nathaniel and taking care of his needs and what he wanted and I felt much better.  But, alas.  That was just one day.  I try and try to remind myself to be selfless every time Nathaniel starts to get fussy ...  and it works in the moment.  Then I start to allow my own wants and desires to creep back in and I am back to where I started.  In order to be the best mother and parent I can be, I am really trying hard to let go of myself, but it is a daily struggle.  Every time I think I might be getting a handle on it, a new challenge arises.  I start to make plans around Nathaniel's schedule, but then his schedule changes, my plans fall through, and BAM.  I'm right back to where I started.  Frustrated and annoyed.   I never realized before just how selfish I am.  It's definitely a work in progress, but I am hoping that as time goes by, between Glenn and Nathaniel I will start to turn my selfishness into selflessness.   Thank God for the opportunity to work on myself and for putting the people in my life that help me to be better and want to be better.  After all, I have an amazing little boy and a wonderful husband who deserve the very best of me, and I hope that I can continually become a better mother and wife for them.

Decisions, decisions...

As I am sure anyone who has ever had to make an important decision knows, decisions are hard! Weighing the pluses and minuses, agonizing over what might happen if you make the wrong choice, teetering back and forth, sometimes between desire and what may be truly satisfying... everything about decisions is difficult...and that's just when I am making them for myself.  It is WAY harder making them for someone else, especially when you love them and want what's best for them.  The way I see it, if I make a bad decision for myself, I will suffer the consequences.  That's one thing.  Making them for a small, helpless baby who cannot yet communicate and allowing him to possibly suffer the consequences of my bad decision for him...nearly impossible.   

If  you read my last post, you may have noticed that I mentioned little Nathaniel has been crying a lot more.  I have noticed it for the past 3 weeks.  I am OK with crying for the most part, but some of his crying seems to be coming from severe discomfort or pain.  That is not so fine with me.  When I took him in for his two month doctor visit, she listed to my concern and suggested that he may have some reflux going on and prescribed Zantac for him to be taken twice a day.  At first I was relieved, thinking that he would maybe get some relief from his discomfort and I immediately went to fill the prescription.  Before giving him his first dose however, I read all of the possible side effects.  The list included things like headache, dizziness, constipation and diarrhea.  The more serious "notify your doctor immediately if..." symptoms included blurred vision, mood changes, (confusion, depression, hallucinations, severe stomach ache, fast or irregular heart beat, and severe tiredness.  When I read these side effects I thought "how would I know if any of those things were happening?"  I did some research online finding both mom's who felt the same way I did as well as research indicating that Zantac is commonly prescribed and considered safe for babies and has been for years.   Then I noticed on the bottle it says do not stop taking this without doctor supervision, which did not sit so well with me.   SOOO, I have decided to temporarily hold off on the Zantac, but I am not sure I am doing the right thing.  I am keeping a VERY detailed log including what I eat, when and how long he eats, when he cries and for how long, when he spits up and how much, how may diapers I change and what's in them etc.  I am also trying to cut out acidic things from my diet such as tomatoes, carbonated beverages and spicy foods to see if that helps.  So far, Tuesday was a fantastic day and he was a perfect little angel with hardly any crying episode, and Wednesday was the complete opposite.  From the moment he woke up he was fussy and couldn't get comfortable and cried off and on for hours.  Then today, so far he has been a perfect angel again.  When we have days like yesterday, it takes everything in me to not give him the Zantac, just wanting to give him relief somehow.  But having 2 great days makes me wonder if it's something he needs or if he just has bad days from time to time.  It's so hard to tell!  I don't want to make the wrong decision for him.  I don't want him to suffer unnecessarily, but I don't want to medicate if I am not certain that he has the condition for which he is being treated.  <sigh>

As I was thinking today about how it difficult it is to make a decision for somebody else ,I questioned: how much more difficult is it going to be watching him make the wrong decision when I know the right decision? 

Motherhood is already hard.  Cheers to you mothers out there who have been there done that and survived.  I hope to join your ranks!  In the meantime if you have any sage advice, I'm all ears.

Two Months and a Few Days

The last time I wrote, my little guy had just turned one month old, and now he is two months old and a completely different child than a month ago.  Sure, he is still as cute as a button, the love of our lives and absolutely amazing, but my, how he has grown and changed.   He is much heavier for starters.  At the 1 month weigh-in he was 7lbs 11oz.  If our bathroom scale is correct, he now weighs at least 8lbs 15 oz. His face has filled out a bit and he is starting to get those ever so adorable little fat rolls on his thighs.  He is also smiling! He is seeing much better, becoming more interactive, and crying...a lot (well maybe not a lot compared to some, but for him, it's a lot!)  He is VERY particular when he is trying to get comfortable.  A fraction of an inch makes all the difference between blood curdling screaming to complete on-the-verge of sleeping relaxation within seconds. Just when I think I know the kid, he throws me a curve ball.  For example, he has ALWAYS been very good in the car seat once he is settled.  It's a sure fire way to make him relax and fall asleep...until this week.  This week, it has been non-stop crying in the car seat.  Also, he has a favorite walking around position.  I hold him upright and bounce him as we walk around the house. It has ALWAYS worked to calm him down within minutes.  Not this week.  This week he wants to be on his tummy across my knees, or on his tummy on the couch. Unless you ask me today, and today that's not good enough. He must still be settling into himself.  I imagine that as a baby, you just get comfortable with everything and you grow, or see more, or put on weight... those things are difficult adjustments even as adults and in the little baby it happens so very fast.  No wonder I'm having trouble getting used to what he wants.  The poor kid is changing drastically from one day to the next. 

 

                                           

 

 

 

 

It's wonderful being this cuties' mom!

 

 



One

My little man is one month old.  It hardly seems possible.  Sure, there have been some long minutes and hours that seemed like months in themselves, but overall the time has flown by and left me dazed and bleary eyed wondering "how is he a month old already?"  I look around the house and see how little has gotten done.  It's a wonder the bed is made. I have not gone to work.  I have not made dinner in a month save putting leftovers in the microwave.  I have been lucky to shower every other day.  If I total the hours I have spent sitting on the couch, it would probably add up to 3 of the 4 weeks.  Normally, this month would have crawled by... only leaving the house for necessities and church, barley changing out of my pajamas.  But it has not crawled but sprinted by.  It seems that the hours between feedings are mere seconds as I look up in disbelief at the clock saying it's time for baby to eat, again. And yet, so much has happened!  We have become parents!  We have gotten to know our new baby's moods and personality.  We have planned and executed a beautiful baptism (with lots of help from friends and family--thank you!!).  We have gone to several doctors appointments, scheduled tests and surgeries and even managed haircuts, going out to eat and several shopping trips with the babe.  I find myself staring at him and wishing he would just stay small and tiny forever.  He's easy to hold.  He can't get into too much trouble.  He can't talk back.  He trusts us. I feel like we can keep him safe.  He has the biggest eyes and cutes facial expressions.  I love this little guy.  But...

 

I am so anxious to see him smile at me. I can't wait for him to return hugs and kisses and to walk and play at the beach with us. I hear his first coos and wonder what his first words will be. I want to know what he will be good at, what he will love, who he will admire and what good he will do with his life. I can't wait for him to understand the books I read to him or to watch him working on a project with daddy. I am already anticipating his first reconciliation and first communion. I can't wait to teach him about God, and His son Jesus. I want to hear him recite his prayers and then have prayers of his own.

 

But reflecting on this makes me realize I can wait, but I am grateful that there are things to look forward to every step of the way.

 

Take your time little one.  Take your time.

Amazing Love

When you are expecting a new baby, everyone tells you about the instantaneous and amazing love you feel for the new baby, but until our little bundle arrived I could not even comprehend what they meant.  I heard what they were saying, but thought "I know what love is.  I love my husband, I love my family, it really can't be that different, can it?"  YES.  Yes it can be that different. From the instant I first laid my eyes on him, the love was so intense it was as if I had grown another heart to fit it all in. This love is ENORMOUS. Even still it is incomprehensible how someone I have known for so little time has planted himself firmly and forever in my heart. As if his blond hair, big blue eyes and teeny-tiny features were not enough to win me over, I am in awe of his person hood and completely smitten with who he is already.  He can't talk or even respond much more than with eye contact, but I have a sense of him -- his gentleness, his curiosity and wonder, his calm.  When he smiles, it melts my heart.  When he frowns or whimpers, my heart sinks and cracks a little.  How did this happen? How is it that I have become so completely intertwined with the life and emotions of this little tiny miracle?

This lent, we have been going to stations of the cross on Fridays. Since Nathaniel was born, all of the sudden I am aware of another's suffering during Christ's Passion--Mary's.   In station 4, when Jesus meets His mother and she must watch Him suffer and do nothing...BAM!  How vivid my imagining of her pain became.  I too now have a son, and to even think of him suffering even the slightest discomfort makes my heart hurt.  To think of Mary watching her son beaten, whipped, bloody, abused and carrying His cross is too much.  How?  How did she do it?  In the 13th station Mary cradles her dead son in her arms. What pain! What sorrow! What suffering!  Tears well up in my eyes as I imagine what it would be like to hold my own dead son.

In the version of The Stations of the Cross we are using the reflection and prayer are as follows:

Yes, My Mass is complete;
but not My mothers
and not yours,
My other self.
My mother still must cradle
in her arms
the lifeless body of the Son she bore.
You, too, must part from
those you love,
and grief will come to you.
In your bereavements think of this:
A multitude of souls were saved
by Marys sharing in My Calvary,
Your grief can also be
the price of souls.

Response 13

I beg You, Lord,
help me accept the partings that
must come­--
from friends who go away,
my children leaving home,
and most of all,
my dear ones
when You shall call them
to Yourself.
Then, give me grace to say:
As it has pleased You, Lord,
to take them home,
I bow to Your most holy will
And if by just one word
I might restore their lives
against Your will,
I would not speak.
Grant them eternal joy.

This hits home for me.  I have not yet been able to pray this reflection without crying.  I find myself wondering, if given the opportunity, would I not restore my son's life - even against God's will? I'd like to think I would be strong enough to resist the temptation but when I think of my sons eventual death fear and sadness tug at my heart and it aches in a way I have never felt before.  Oh Lord, give me the strength to love like you and the willingness to give back to you what is yours. Mary, mother of God pray for me, that in all trials and sufferings I may have trust in God and the strength to do what He asks.  How much God loves us, to have given up His only son, to suffer and die in this way.  I think it's really starting to sink in...

May God bless your lent and draw you ever nearer to Him. 

Starting Over

I know. It's been a long time since I have blogged.  Mostly because after a while, it just seemed extremely self-indulgent and honestly not that interesting to write about myself ad nauseam.  However, much has changed since then, including a new addition to our family.  Welcome to Nathaniel Augustine Gerardi!

Now my blog has a new star, a new purpose. and considering the new subject should be at least slightly more interesting. So, I'm starting over.  My goal is to help far away friends and family get to know our little Nathaniel, even though we are separated by distance, and offer a little insight to the daily life, joys, struggles, and triumphs of being a new mother, growing a family, and making a home.